I am glad youre all inside.
I heard Amazon left you guys out on the porch.
Youre lucky you didnt get stolen.
Jimmy Kimmel onstage at Disney Upfront 2024Disney/John Argueta
It is so great to be back in the abandoned shopping cart district.
I dont know if you could tell Im igniting pure joy right now.
And this year I couldnt think of a third excuse.
I tried diarrhea on the plane, but I guess they get that all the time now.
Watch on Deadline
But its so good to be back.
Youre probably wondering why I am so giddy today.
Okay, Ill tell you why.
Until this afternoon, I thought Disneys magic words were Bibbidy Bobbidy, we own everything.
It would seem I was mistaken.
Half the worlds population connects with Disney every day.
Did we know that?
And you know why I didnt?
We made it up.
I dont think Jesus even connects with half the worlds population every day.
When I was a kid, we went to Disneyland once.
We went one time in 1978.
Thats my favorite Disney memory, my only Disney memory.
Things are good for a change.
Poor Bob Iger, this guy, he should be retired by now.
He should be off on a yacht somewhere.
Instead, hes here pretending to be excited about a new season of Will fucking Trent.
Bob tried to sell us last year.
He put us up for sale.
And as if that wasnt bad enough, no one wanted to buy us.
No one was interested.
Bob explained that he didnt mean he literally wanted to sell us.
He was just testing the waters for Wall Street.
Usually when people test the waters, they dip in a toe.
They dont drown their children.
But were glad youre back, albeit for a limited time, which is very McRib of you.
Behold, Bob isnt going anywhere ever again.
By the way, thats just the model.
The real AI Bob will blast lasers out of his purchase funnel.
So hey, how could anyone even think about selling ABC?
This is the home ofThe Rookie.
This is the home of the Golden Bachelor.
But even though the whole thing was a complete jerk off, it was so popular.
Joan is our new golden bachelorette.
She has four kids and two grandchildren.
Are the kids ready to see grandma get raw dogged in a jacuzzi?
Okay, now Ill kick off the floor to questions.
You know the Bachelor and the Bachelorette.
[He shares a video of The Golden Retriever].
Take that Legally Blonde prequel!
Weve got the most highly anticipated shows of anyone,The Acolyteis about a Jedi investigating crimes.
Weve got Mandalorians and Kardashians.
For the 16th consecutive season, CBS was the most watched broadcast web connection.
Things are changing at CBS and not for the better.
On Thursday,Young Sheldonis coming to an end after seven seasons.
CBS also announced thisll be the 14th and final season ofBlue Bloods.
Oh man, those assholes.
Your grandpa has one thing left to live for and theyre taking it away!
CBS renewed the Dick Wolf ShowFBIfor three more seasons, not just one, which is incredible.
There are now more FBI agents on CBS than there were at Diddys house.
Dick Wolf is on CBS.
Dick Wolf is on NBC.
Were still dickless, but were crossing streams like never before.
We are one unified Disney and were joining forces with Warner Brothers Discovery.
We have Spider-Man and Superman together.
The old dogs teaming up to take out the young guns.
And while from the outside, this may look like an act of desperation from the inside.
It also looks like that we didnt want to bundle.
Thats us right now.
Youve seen our churn rates.
Its not just churn, its Chernobyl, but not anymore.
All supported by ads.
We call it basic cable.
And its going to blow your minds.
We are building one enormous ad supported streaming pile of shit.
And then we just sit back and wait for the next pandemic and let the money roll in.
We have a sports bundle too.
Its a package were calling Weekend at Divorce Dads house.
Finally, all our content is available in one place and also in multiple other places too.
But it must be a good idea.
Were already getting copycats.
Netflix, Apple and Peacock just announced their new bundle stream saver today.
What an excellent name that is.
Stream Saver sounds like a catheter you might find for sale on Tucker Carlson Dot Com.
And then you have NBC.
Thats NBC with the Olympics.
Rita said, what we do best is understand audiences.
Remember when Netflix thought they were above all this?
They came in, they destroyed commercial television.
And now guess what?
They want to sell you commercials on television.
They spent years ignoring you, sneering at you, making you eat their Unbreakable Kimmy shit.
And now those smug bee-holes have to lick your nuts like the rest of us do.
And of course theyre acting like theyre excited about it.
Like, oh my God, we love ads in our shows.
It just never occurred to us to put them there scumbags.
This makes me so mad.
Weve been whoring ourselves out for years and we know how to do it.
We dont need all this foreplay.
We do this, we always do.
We leave a key at the front desk.
You come up to the room and have at it.
Grab a bottle of Hulu, Ill be face down on the bed.
We still have the best buzzwords in the business.
No one is more buzzed when they come up with these words than Rita and her team.
We are pulling this stuff out of our ass like that.
you’re free to literally watch your money swirl all the way down the drain.
So we can decide if youre a trusted partner or a cheap ass bitch.
We have the best AI analytics of anyone.
We have a reach machine.
How far does that machine reach?
Can it reach around?
Because I think that would be good.
Unlike some of our competitors, we dont think of you as faceless ATMs.
I mean, we think of you as freedom fighters.
We think of you as American heroes fighting to keep television free for the people.
Remember when Elon Musk was being interviewed and he told advertisers to go fuck themselves?
We would never do that.
But we do want to remind you that he did.
Just think about how you want to live your life.
The only thing that matters, the only thing that truly matters is our relationships.
Lets circle back on that next week, huh?
